Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
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The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop