The pasta is now
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The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.