Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
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Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Is your wife single?