Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
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The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Brb my Sims are getting married
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
it’s finally my moment to shine
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
I saw this ending much differently.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me