Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
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I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer