GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
You Might Also Like
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.