[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
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Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
There is no “we” in pizza
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.