You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
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I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
I just tested negative for patience.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing