When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
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“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
i meant to share this earlier
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.