[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
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Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
…żyje?
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.