We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
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God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Solving a traffic jam
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.