I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
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Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg