wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
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Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
This is the best one I’ve seen
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.