Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
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For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
The Book. The Movie.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!