You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
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My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?