*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
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detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Looking at you, Jesus.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no