I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
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“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice