[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
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Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.