I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
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After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.