good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
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This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*