SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
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I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”