*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
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Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”