i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
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hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Mmmm. Shoeshi
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.