Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
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Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Seas the day!!!!
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no