Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
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I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Gods work.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
a lot to unpack here
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
🤔😂😂
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.