Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
You Might Also Like
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Happy Febuary everyone!
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Put the is in disheveled
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family