My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
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Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Pretty much! 😂👀
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣