Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
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[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life