You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
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*leads a conga line off of a bridge
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Breaking news:
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?