Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
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I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint