I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
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“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Ugh
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
me after eating Cheetos
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.