The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
You Might Also Like
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
A fake ID that makes you younger
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
*pronounces fake like saké*
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Dune (2021)
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.