you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
You Might Also Like
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Best spot.. 😅
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
A French press is when you hug naked
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.