I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
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I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️