Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
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My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
🤭😂
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive