*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
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Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Battery falling down a hole
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.