Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
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I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Life cycle of cat
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Twitter is the new flypaper.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich