2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
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Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.