It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
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i really liked this one
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Yes, this is exactly right
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard