On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
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MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.