Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
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Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
You are not alone 💚
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.