A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
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Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Is this a threat?
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish