Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
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God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
This kid will have a bright future.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.