Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
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police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.