Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
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You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?