I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
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My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
it must be school picture day
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.