Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
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“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
“We will wed,” I threatened
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.