gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
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I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Monday?
No. Next question.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?