Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
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Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
what does he know…