“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
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What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Has science gone too far?
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
meow
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.